if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
