I feel great
I just peed on a car
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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