This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
