Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
