i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
