We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
