You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize