Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
