I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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