I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
