1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
