your room smells of hookers.
And success
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
