is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
