he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize