The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
