You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
