i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
