sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize