you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
