He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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