i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
