Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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