My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
