Porn is love you can see.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
