You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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