God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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