How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
