meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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