You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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