where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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