before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
