also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
