Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize