a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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