He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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