My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
