so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
