Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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