Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
