i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
