I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
