Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
