so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
