piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
