Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
