barbara walters just said penis...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
