I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
