They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
