i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
