Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
