someone threw a dead crab at me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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