It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
