god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize