32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
