Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
