he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
