did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
zippers are such a cool invention
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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