so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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