The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So much rum. So many feels.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
