He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
