did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize