I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
