I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
