I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
